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Somewhere in the first act of the movie, James McAvoy’s Percival holds a bottle of whiskey and says, “This came directly out of Virgin Mary’s tit.” I beamed. Later, one man uses a skateboard to smash another guy’s face as blood splatters on the camera lens in a ridiculous manner. Hallelujah! This is my kinda sh*t.

The part where I make you wonder if I like the movie or not.

Atomic Blonde is helmed by David Leitch, the co-director of John Wick and is currently working on Deadpool 2. Naturally, this was a highly anticipated movie on my list. This film is set in 1989, in and around the historical “fall of the Berlin Wall” event. But as the opening credits scene tells us, this is not that story. In fact, I have no idea what on earth the story is about. I know there is a list and I know MI6 wants it. The rest of it, I don’t get. Not exactly, anyway. The screenplay, penned by Kurt Johnstad is a convoluted head scratcher, though it does have brilliant lines of dialogue. Not sure what I expected to be honest. After all, Kurt Johnstad peaked when he wrote 300. A movie in which the script literally reads:  ABS. BLOOD. ABS. BOOBS. ABS. DICK. ABS. BLOOD. BLOOD. END.

There are a couple of plot twists in the movie. And I give less crap about these twists than I do a packet of expired condoms. First twist “huh?” Second twist, “Whaaat?” Final twist at the epilogue “ha. ha. ha.” Just cut the crap. Nobody cares. Stop pretending to be smarter than you are. Can we get back to the skateboard face smashing ridiculousness?

Usually, these kinds of #macamyestapibukan screenplay would really take me out of the movie completely and make me wish my dad had used a condom 24 years ago. I’m looking at you Now You See Me 2. More like, “Wish I Didn’t See You.” But this movie had enough awesomeness in it to make me get a semi erection. I know, a semi-erection is no veiny rock hard penis, but Ron Jeremy once said, “always look at the glass penis half full.”

Where was I?

Right:

The Good Stuff!

 

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This movie has everything you want from a pure action movie. Fights in cars, BLOOD, fights in hotel rooms, BLOOD, unrealistic headshot rates, BLOOD, drugs, 1 VS 5 ass kicking, BLOOD, cigarettes, CHICKS smoking cigarettes in SLOW MO, Neon lights, 80s PUNK ROCK music, BLOOD, erected nipples, BLOOD, booze and Charlize Theron’s ass crack. Seriously, the only thing missing from this movie is one individual sniffing cocaine off another individual’s ass ala Wolf of Wall Street. But they make up for it by treating us to some girl on girl action (and I’m not talking about fighting). Did I mention blood? Cause, BLOOD.

I’m not saying blood = good movie.

PAUSE.

I know that sentence makes me sound like a drunk bimbo who donated my brain to charity. I just mentioned the word blood in CAPS, 273 times and now I’m saying blood doesn’t make a movie good?

Well, I can confidently say that I’m not drunk. Whether or not I’m a brainless bimbo is still heavily debated during family reunions. My point is, it’s all about the execution. A lot of movies have blood and a lot of action sequences, but for the most part, they’re nothing but incomprehensible nonsense. Take Resident Evil for example. The action sequences are so heavily edited with a bazillion quick cuts and non-stop shaky cam, it gives you a terrible migraine. What films like John Wick and Atomic Blonde offer, are gorgeously filmed, flawlessly choreographed action sequences that allow you to digest every single moment that’s happening on screen, right down to the tiny details. There is a scene where Charlize Theron takes on a bunch of hitmen on and around a stairwell. It is brutal and beautiful. In terms of hand to hand combat, this is one of the most engrossing I’ve seen in awhile.

The usage of blood enhances the film’s experience. It is over the top. It is stylistic. Vibrant neon lights blanket the city and its residents during the night. Charlize Theron smokes a cigarette in slow motion. In another movie, shots like these would’ve taken me out of it. It wouldn’t have worked in Die Hard. It works here. Because this isn’t a realistic movie by any means. This is a punk rock, bat sh*t crazy ridiculous action film. Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton feels like a mythical character that would make Ronda Rousey and Conor Mcgregor look like untrained Teletubbies. I LOVE IT.

However, action and style are not enough to make a good movie, especially considering the less than stellar premise. Thankfully, the performances are excellent across the board. Charlize Theron is one of the few people in the industry who can play both, a character actor and an action star as well. Theron commits to this role. Rumour has it that she underwent hardcore training with ancient Chinese monks, Mr. Miyagi and even battled John Wick himself in preparation for this movie. I buy it. She’s awesome! James McAvoy coming off a phenomenal performance in Split, delivers once again. Sophia Boutella’s character, Delphine adds nothing to the film, but her performance was competent as well. The same can be said about John Goodman.

Atomic Blonde is not a great movie, not even close. But it is a bloody fun one! If you’re the kind who hits the cinema more than a couple times a month, definitely check this one out. But if you rarely head to the cinema *cough* loser *cough* then skip this and watch either War for the Planet of the Apes, Baby Driver or Dunkirk.

Hey you! Yes you, hot stuff. Are you looking forward to Charlize Theron kicking ass and showing her ass? Leave a comment below and let me know whatchu think. And, don’t forget to share this article with your buds. Also, follow me on my social media accounts for more ridiculousness.